Naptime? No thanks.

It’s wild to realize we are almost out of the technical “newborn” stage with Elsie being 10 weeks old (most consider newborns to be 3 months and under). Not to be cliche, but I think we just brought her home from the hospital last week, so this just doesn’t make sense to me. She’s growing and changing so fast, and I want to tape my eyes open so I don’t miss a single second. But that’s not to say it’s all fun and giggles around here. I think the newborn stage is like being on one of those survivor shows where there’s a camera filming you secretly to see who’s the first to crack. This same secret crew also takes the pacifier out of the baby’s mouth at night when you aren’t looking, and makes sure the baby wakes up juuuusssstt as you are laying down for a nap, about to make yourself lunch, and/or going to use the bathroom. (Case in point as I am writing this, she just woke herself up from a nap early). Today as I reflect back on the past 2.5 months, here’s a few funny memories for you.
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When Elsie was a few days old I was on the phone with the pediatrician’s office to set up her first check up with them. The receptionist asked a few basic questions, and as I finished answering them there was a slightly lull in conversation. I assume she was writing down my responses, but at the time I felt a strong urge to fill the lull.

“We just love her so much!” I blurted into the phone.

slight pause
“So you’re a first time mom then?”

“Um, yes ma’am, that’s correct,” was my sheepish reply
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Before Elsie was born, people told me newborns slept a lot.  It seemed true – every time I went to visit a friend with a new baby the cute little burrito bundle was almost always asleep. I also read multiple books about how to help your baby sleep well.  These books focused on schedules, specific cues, and techniques. As a person who loves planning and routine, this was ideal to me.  I knew no baby follows a schedule perfectly – but these books made a believer out of me that with a little bit of effort, my girl would soon be falling asleep quickly and easily, when and where I wanted her to.

Well. Color me incorrect.

Elsie arrived on the scene. And a few weeks in I felt like I had been had a little bit.  Sure – she slept some. In twenty minute increments. Nor did she like to fall asleep of her own free will.  “Lay the baby down awake” “she’ll learn to put herself to sleep” they said. Not Elsie. This merely resulted in a pair of bright eyes staring awake for long periods of time, until she tired of being left alone and let the whole neighborhood know she was ready to sleep, and someone needed to do something about it. No no, for Elsie to sleep she wanted to be snuggled tightly, held very specifically, and bounced/rocked into her brief moments of slumber. Which really, who can blame her? Who wouldn’t want to be held snuggly against their mama or daddy’s shoulder and rocked sweetly to sleep?

Joey and I also really wanted Elsie to be the kind of kid who can sleep in public settings.  Given our involvement with church and general social life, we wanted her to be able to sleep around a bit of noise.  Thankfully, she does ok with this most of the time –  noises don’t seem to bother her much once she gets to sleep, especially if she’s being held.  We try to expose her to some noise so she’s comfortable in this environment. She actually naps better at church during the worship time than she does for the sermon. But there have been phases and days with naps so scarce, you start to break down on all the principles and hopes and dreams you had for the way your child will nap.  She’s finally asleep?  Time for me to turn into someone that could apply for a secret spy position.  I tiptoe out of the room and down the hallway, careful to step on the places of our hardwood floors that I know don’t squeak. This may mean I have to basically hug the wall and slide my feet rather than picking them up like a weirdo, BUT WHEN YOU NEED THE BABY TO SLEEP YOU DO WHAT YOU MUST. This includes bouncing on a yoga ball for many minutes a day because for whatever reason this actually puts your stubborn child to sleep (and can totally count towards your workout, right? I’m counting it). It may also entail giving your husband a dirty look when he forgets to catch the screen door before it slams. Let’s also not forget the despair in your own mind when you get the baby down in the crib and are slipping out of the nursery — and every joint in your lower half decides to pop/crack and it sounds like a bomb going off. Babywise is so sad for me. We love sleep props and don’t care who knows it.  She’ll be old enough for real sleep training one day, right?

That’s the kicker I think.  I know that this is just a phase. Sure, it’s inconvenient at times and my patience may wane on hard days. Yet this won’t last forever. No college kid is being rocked to sleep by their frazzled mother, to my knowledge. Today I’ll walk into her room when she should be sleeping but isn’t, and melt all over again when I arrive in her line of vision and her tears turn to a huge smile, because she’s just happy to see me. With continued practice, soon she probably/hopefully won’t want me to always hold her when she sleeps.  I’ll lay her down and walk out of the room, not to see her til  nap time is over an hour or three later. And then she’ll be grown up and too big to even hold in my arms.  I know these days don’t last forever. So for now, I go into her room for the fourteenth time that afternoon to try and talk her back into sleeping.  I snuggle her in the crook of my arm, her little face pressed against me, her entire body fitting easily against my midsection.  I watch the way her eyes look around the room and then slowly begin to glaze over, her lids fluttering down at last.  I hold her as she grows heavy in my arms and thank God for a sweet little girl to cradle, and I try again to lay her down for the rest of her nap.

(Shoutout to my sis-in-law, Sandra who knows my naptime woes all too well with my 15 week old nephew. Our daily texts and gifs give me much needed laughs and a spirit of camaraderie to get through crankiest of afternoons. Misery really does love company.)

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A few weeks ago I tried to go to a women’s bible study starting at church. I worked hard to find pockets of time in which to read the homework beforehand so I was prepared to engage in the discussion. I changed out of my clothes into some free of spit up and rushed out the door.

I pulled into the church parking lot at 6:35, 5 minutes late. I quickly took my seat and opened my book. About 10 mins in I thought to myself, “wow they got through a lot in 5 minutes”.

And then I realized it started at 6:00. So I was 35 minutes late.

And I hadn’t done all the homework because I had remembered that wrong too.

So, in summary, it was a pretty stellar first night for me.

But I had on deodorant, so at the end of the day at least I won in one area.

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This past month has brought lots of sweet changes.  Elsie can hold her head up pretty well, despite her strong dislike for tummy time.  While her naps are hit or miss, she sleeps from 7-8p to 7a waking up once in the middle of the night to eat. Her eyes are turning to a deep brown and still framed by the most perfectly curled lashes. She is taking in everything around her so much more, and seeing her notice the world is magical.  She’s at her best in the mornings, cooing and smiling at me with a grin that reaches up to her eyes and every corner of my heart. While we aren’t babywise pros like I stated above, our days have fallen into a somewhat predictable pattern, and we are all thriving on a gentle routine.

As I look back at our lives, there’s a clear line drawn: before Elsie, and now.  I don’t know much. I spend all day trying to convince her to nap and hoping she’s happy with the life we’re giving her.  What I do know is this: it’s like she broke open a part of my heart I didn’t know existed.  A piece that feels deeper, hurts when she hurts, bursts when she smiles.  I like this part.